Hi from Fox News, friends. I am hanging out here, disguised as a Russian agent by affecting a convincing enough “Eastern Promises”-style accent while asking everyone for their e-mail passwords,...
As I watch the Olympics, I get a strange sense of emptiness. It’s not because of the economics of it all, nor is it because of the commercialization. I’m not some pinko commie, my dudes. And yet...
The sentient wig occupying the White House has delivered his first State of the Union address. I didn’t watch it, I was busy composing rap rhymes about the sentient bare torso occupying the Kremlin...
Listen up, ladies — you don’t know how to date. In fact, nobody knows how to date; dating is a weird, inorganic ritual made even weirder by the fact that it now involves apps. But this doesn’t...
Authoritarianism depends, in part, on demoralization. Few things are as demoralizing as facing the possibility of having your child’s healthcare taken away. The political drama surrounding CHIP...
New year, new you! Except who are we actually kidding. It is widely known that the best New Year’s resolutions are the ones that do not, in any way, force you to try to wholly reinvent yourself —...
The world is ending. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the Earth. I see it every time the tangerine anus we elected to be our president logs onto Twitter. Because I am an American patriot, I...
If you are, for some reason, not a fan of American exceptionalism, you ought to be a fan of Louise Linton. Who else is there to make Central Asian dictator clans finally feel that they are not unique...
American exceptionalism — the idea that the United States is unique among all other nations — gets a bad rap nowadays. Ever since we elected a sentient wig to the White House (where else would...
People are running around and screaming about the widening gap between the rich and poor, as if the country is about to fall into that gap and disappear. What they’re not taking into account is...
