Crap, you have stolen your roommate’s burrito. It happens to the best of us. Don’t have a roommate? I assume you’ve stolen something at least once from the communal fridge at work/accidentally...
Dear Natasha, Can I call you that? Just kidding, of course I can. I do what I want. And unlike some people, I know that “Natasha” is a diminutive of the name Natalia in Russian, and hence it is...
“Is Trump going to bomb Iran now?” Sure, why not. Yes, yes, I can already hear all of you bleeding heart rogue state sympathizer traitors whining about how: “But the Middle East can’t stand...
The Deep State really screwed me over today. First it was the weird weather — too cold in the shade, too hot in the sun, so that I kept having to take my scarf out of my bag and put it on and then...
In the life of every individual, a certain maturing must eventually take place. We learn that Santa Claus is not real. We come to terms with the fact The Republican Idea Of Personal Responsibility...
Hi from Fox News, friends. I am hanging out here, disguised as a Russian agent by affecting a convincing enough “Eastern Promises”-style accent while asking everyone for their e-mail passwords,...
As I watch the Olympics, I get a strange sense of emptiness. It’s not because of the economics of it all, nor is it because of the commercialization. I’m not some pinko commie, my dudes. And yet...
The sentient wig occupying the White House has delivered his first State of the Union address. I didn’t watch it, I was busy composing rap rhymes about the sentient bare torso occupying the Kremlin...
Listen up, ladies — you don’t know how to date. In fact, nobody knows how to date; dating is a weird, inorganic ritual made even weirder by the fact that it now involves apps. But this doesn’t...
Authoritarianism depends, in part, on demoralization. Few things are as demoralizing as facing the possibility of having your child’s healthcare taken away. The political drama surrounding CHIP...
