“Is Trump going to bomb Iran now?” Sure, why not. Yes, yes, I can already hear all of you bleeding heart rogue state sympathizer traitors whining about how: “But the Middle East can’t stand...
The Deep State really screwed me over today. First it was the weird weather — too cold in the shade, too hot in the sun, so that I kept having to take my scarf out of my bag and put it on and then...
In the life of every individual, a certain maturing must eventually take place. We learn that Santa Claus is not real. We come to terms with the fact The Republican Idea Of Personal Responsibility...
Hi from Fox News, friends. I am hanging out here, disguised as a Russian agent by affecting a convincing enough “Eastern Promises”-style accent while asking everyone for their e-mail passwords,...
As I watch the Olympics, I get a strange sense of emptiness. It’s not because of the economics of it all, nor is it because of the commercialization. I’m not some pinko commie, my dudes. And yet...
The sentient wig occupying the White House has delivered his first State of the Union address. I didn’t watch it, I was busy composing rap rhymes about the sentient bare torso occupying the Kremlin...
Listen up, ladies — you don’t know how to date. In fact, nobody knows how to date; dating is a weird, inorganic ritual made even weirder by the fact that it now involves apps. But this doesn’t...
Authoritarianism depends, in part, on demoralization. Few things are as demoralizing as facing the possibility of having your child’s healthcare taken away. The political drama surrounding CHIP...
New year, new you! Except who are we actually kidding. It is widely known that the best New Year’s resolutions are the ones that do not, in any way, force you to try to wholly reinvent yourself —...
The world is ending. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the Earth. I see it every time the tangerine anus we elected to be our president logs onto Twitter. Because I am an American patriot, I...
