Hi from Fox News, friends. I am hanging out here, disguised as a Russian agent by affecting a convincing enough “Eastern Promises”-style accent while asking everyone for their e-mail passwords, which, oddly enough, means that nobody is bothered by my presence. Things are a little tense in the New York studio, mostly because everyone is trying very hard to not focus on He Who Shall Not Be Named or else Shall Occasionally Be Named But Only When It’s Way Too Creepy Not To (hint: he’s a veteran-turned-FBI-person-turned-special-counsel dude). The atmosphere is prickly as hell. Someone just yelled at a potted plant after mistaking it for Peter Doocy.
Fox people are resilient, you have to give them that, though. That’s why their hair is so voluminous — it is filled with weapons.
Weapons such as avoidance, for example. And deflection. And Xanax. Well, let’s face it, in 2018, we all need the Xanax.
Anyway, I was actually just taking some Xanax with Shep Smith (solidarity, Shep!) in the bathroom, when I came across a hastily scrawled memo on Topics To Focus On In Order To Avoid He Who Shall Not Be Named Or Else Named Occasionally.
Here it is, reproduced in all of its glory:
!!!ALTERNATIVE SEGMENTS!!!
!!!IMPORTANT!!!
Why is there no International Men’s Day?
I mean technically there is, and it’s November 19, but none of the commie countries appear to celebrate it, whereas they celebrate International Women’s Day extra hard. Is it a conspiracy? Probably. Let’s explore with Alex “Frogs R Gay” Jones.
What on earth is wrong with The Walking Dead?
How is this not a national security issue? Smallest audience since 2012? It’s 2018 and this is where we’re at, AMC, huh? THIS IS WHERE THE LEGACY OF SHUFFLING ZOMBIES AND FILLER DIALOGUE JUST GOES TO DIE?
(Guys, how is this 2018? Just think about it. This. Is 2018. I’m not drunk or anything. I’m just thinking. How the century is no longer young, you know? I’m having feelings about it.)
Teenagers deserve to be shot in schools
Look, this may be kind of a reach, but please hear me out here. The president is being investigated. I know I’m not supposed to mention it, but here it is. Is it fair that everyone only cares about that one investigation when literally NOBODY is investigating whether or not teenagers bring school shootings on themselves? With the hormones and the hippity hop and the Gucci gangs? Why is no one investigating Gucci gangs in particular? Like, it’s a gang. It may or may not involve people beating each other to death with expensive handbags. [GREAT SEGUE INTO HOW LIBERALS WHO HAVE THEIR MAN-PANTIES IN A TWIST OVER GUNS ARE FORGETTING THE DEADLY MENACE OF LUXURY ACCESSORIES.]
Should Steven Seagal run for president?
I mean, why the fuck not? I know what you’re going to say, “Just what kind of a candidate would he make against Oprah”? I think we should get a white supremacist on the air to serve a strong rebuttal to that particular point.
(Guys, there’s vodka under this desk)
SOCIALIST PEDOPHILE RINGS
That’s got to be a thing, right? If it’s not, get a statistics guy on. Get him to use math to prove that there is at least one socialist in this country who is also a pedophile and is also in a ring of some kind or at least wears rings. Math gets people excited. Math is about facts and not feelings.
(I am having many feelings.)
Is there such a thing as objective reality?
Because I don’t think so. Get a Russian to come talk about it.
Are bananas gay?
Because they look gay.
(Guys, I think the ghost of Roger Ailes is under this desk with me.)
ROBERT MUELLER IS HOT
THERE I FUCKING SAID IT HE IS A BEAUTIFUL MAN AND I DON’T CARE WHAT HE DOES AND I DON’T CARE IF HE WILL STOP THE CORRUPT PSEUDO-CONSERVATIVE REVIVAL WE’VE SO CRAVED IN ITS TRACKS. BECAUSE THAT CHIN. BECAUSE THOSE EYES. BECAUSE HOT COMBAT VETERAN. MEN SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD ANYWAY. GET HIM IN THIS STUDIO. GET HIM UNDER THIS DESK. WITH ME.
(Many feelings drowned out with much vodka and also ghosts and ughhhhh53493049tj3aoijgearhn.)
Photo: Ed Kohler/Creative Commons