Dating advice from an expert

An awkward boy is talking to two pretty girls he met at a coffee shop: can you imagine a more flinch-worthy scene?

Our hero wears a red shirt that marks him as a proponent of “AIDS Day” in no uncertain terms. He has a very efficient looking satchel, stickers all over his laptop, and the sort of subtly dry humor that… sucks. It never registers, and he doesn’t understand why people don’t laugh at what are probably fairly funny insights.

He currently isn’t getting anywhere with these girls. They’re both getting up to leave, and he’s sort of corralled one of them, but the other one is making her escape through the front door. The girl he’s trapped is twitching like a frightened new-born gazelle. She keeps glancing at the door, but her so-called friend is gone. She’s probably already in the car; she might very well be speeding towards the Georgia-Alabama border this very minute.

I’m only a bystander, but even I can tell that this guy has about as much sex appeal as the Republican National Convention. It will be a victory if she even gives him the dignity of a fake number with the right number of digits.

My friends, spring is coming. That means many things, but the one that I choose to dwell on is the maelstrom of failed courtship and disappointed organs that I see on a yearly basis. It’s as if everyone’s libido has been hibernating, and just woke up. It’s hungry, slightly disoriented, and wants to scratch its back against a pine tree. (How do we interpret that metaphor? Hungry = “Gotta get me some action.” Slightly disoriented = “Am I gay now? Hm.” Wants to scratch its back against a pine tree = “Poke people on Facebook until it gets creepy.”)

I, for one, would like to help everyone avoid any potential heartache. To this end, I’ve compiled some crucial tips for both guys and gals on dealing with that utterly confusing opposite gender. I’m a man of insight and experience, and I’m happy to share what I’ve learned. As to people interested in their own gender, well, I have to admit that I’m no expert, but I imagine that you can find some of this useful anyway.

Guys, let’s walk through the phases of a relationship together, shall we?

When meeting a girl for the first time, do not:

* Gawk at her cleavage and murmur to yourself about needing x-ray vision. (This may not be considered “rude” in other cultures. Our country is so backwards!)
* Introduce yourself as a “Tyrranosaurus Sex” and then roar at the heavens.
* Shake her boob instead of hand.

Instead:

* Be polite.
* Be unassuming.
* Pray that she’s interested in you, and has somehow managed to overlook the raging hurricane of personal flaws and tragic quirks that make you you. Or at least pray that she thinks you might make her friends jealous.

When asking a girl out for the first time, do not:

* Text.
* Email.
* Send smoke signals.
* Tie a note to a brick and throw it through her windshield (even when she’s not driving).

Instead:

* Get her number, either from her or one of her stalker-screening friends, and call her.
* Save her from a half-rapist, half-alligator in a darkened alley. Hand her back her purse, and make a joke about how he must have “lost his head” (because you punched it off, of course). Gallantly ask her if you can see her again some other time, because right now you have to save the city, and then swing away into the night.

On your first date, do not:

* Pay a friend to dress up as a waiter and hope she doesn’t notice that the “restaurant” is really “your bedroom,” that her “soup” is really “mulled Redbull and wine with a spoon in it,” and that the “ambience” is really “a porno.”
* Go to a tapas place, talk incessantly about Europe, and make tons of ironic pop culture references. If I find you doing that, I’ll hide an “end-of-the-date” surprise in the back of your car. And that surprise may or may not be a half-starved panther.
* Mention World of Warcraft.

Instead:

* Be laid back, casual, and try not to get wrapped up in whether she likes you or not. Things will work out.
* Offer to pay, but be happy enough to split the bill.
* Make sure to comb your beard.
* If you have any mutual friends, silently wonder if they told her about that thing that time, and poisoned her against you. Plot your revenge accordingly.

On subsequent dates, do not:

* Assume that the “mandatory pants” rule has been lifted, and then answer her shocked complaints with “But this is still a nice shirt! And look at these sneakers!” This is a battle you won’t win.
* Flirtatiously get her to play Xbox with you, and then get extremely grim and serious as you slaughter her character on-screen while muttering things like “target neutralized” and “see you in hell, Charlie.” Do not get angrily hurl a lamp into the kitchen when she finally puts down her controller.
* Utter the words “my genitals.”

Instead:

* Be honest, and maybe not too much of a drunken douchebag. Unless she claims to “really like frat guys.” Then you can dress like an idiotic polo player, drink all of her alcohol, and urinate into her family’s pool. Enjoy.
* Never expect physical gratification, just be happy if and when it happens.
* Don’t attempt to appear asexual, either. It’s lame, it makes you lie, and she already knows you’ve thought about her naked anyway.
* Let her get to know you slowly, so that she isn’t dismayed when she realizes that you’re 23% loser and 48% five-year old boy. She might even like that, kind of. If you’re lucky.

Ladies, won’t you come this way?

When meeting a guy for the first time, do not:

* Assume that batting your eyes or touching your hair once will indicate that you are interested. Unless you do something blatant, like tell one of his friends, ask him out, or point at his groin and say “Well, how ‘bout it?” he isn’t going to pick up on your “signals.”
* Mention how your overprotective father used to be an Army sniper, until he was honorably discharged for being “too much of a bad motherfucker.”
* Fart.

Instead:

* Be cheerful.
* Tell a mutual friend that you like him, perhaps.
* Mention the movie Top Gun. If he’s over 20, he might love you for this. Possibly forever.

When asking a guy out for the first time, do not:

* Tase him, tie him to a bed frame in your basement, threaten him with a broken bottle, and demand that he love you as soon as he wakes up.
* Convince your neighbor’s third cousin who knew the guy a little in the 2nd grade to whisper “Date _______” in his ear while he’s sleeping, and hope he’ll be subconsciously driven to court you when he wakes up. Just ask.
* Be related to him.

Instead:

* You can pretty much do anything other than what’s mentioned above. Simply asking a guy out places you in that elite .001% of all females. You could smash your car through an orphanage and park on top of a bald eagle on your way to ask the guy, and I’d still nominate you for a few Nobel prizes.

On your first date, do not:

* Show up in a micro-skirt, halter top, and makeup that looks as though it was applied with a paintball gun. Furthermore, do not bat your clown eyes coquettishly when the maitre’d asks you to leave because “Madam, the children… they cry.”
* Show him that you’re an empowered and self-actualized woman by putting him in a hammerlock and extinguishing your cigarette in his retina if he tries to take care of the whole bill. If you have a problem with that, just tell him.
* Bring three of your friends and blatantly discuss his body, intelligence, and career while he sits nervously in front of you and munches on breadsticks.
* Squeal when a really annoying song comes on the radio, exclaim that it’s your “jam,” and then turn it up to sing along loudly, because he will quietly start typing things like “volcano” and “nearest cliff” into the navigation system.

Instead:

* Tell him he looks nice, because flattery works on my entire gender. As a rule.
* Realize that he won’t really notice if your earrings complement your headscarf, he’ll just “really like that headstrap you’re wearing.” Which is just as valid.
* Share your dessert, greedy.

On subsequent dates, do not:

* Make him sit through a six-hour marathon of Grey’s Anatomy, which you make even longer by pausing the dvd every time McSteamy or McDreamy appear shirtless. It’s also considered rude if you make the guy go wait in the backyard so you can have McSteamy all to yourself (just wait till he goes home.)
* Take him to your women’s self-defense class and use him as a practice dummy on the day you learn the “Howling Dragon, Receding Testicles” strike.
* Wear a suit of armor (with helmet and spikes on the shoulders) and bring a dry-erase board on which you openly use a points system to keep track of how close or far he is from “Getting Any Whatsoever.”
* Reveal that you went out with 6 of his friends, two of his coworkers, and his dad (once) when you discuss your respective dating histories. Uttering the phrase “but there was no tongue” will not keep him from suddenly trying to kill himself with whatever happens to be in your kitchen at the time (mmm, egg beater).

Instead:

* Be honest, and maybe not too much of a drunken slob. Unless he claims to “really like sorority girls.” Then you can dress in furry boots and mini-skirts and not much else, drink all of his clear alcohol and hard lemonade, and pass out with your head in his toilet. Enjoy.
* Never expect physical gratification, just be happy if and when it happens.
* Don’t attempt to appear asexual, either. It’s lame, it makes you lie, and he already knows you’ve thought about him thinking about you naked anyway.
* Let him get to know you slowly, so that he isn’t dismayed when he realizes that you’re 23% emotional hemophiliac and 48% black hole of neuroses that loves to go dancing. He might even like that, kind of. If you’re lucky.

I hope that this will help, folks. Remember, the most important thing is to be the best you that you can be. And then hope they don’t find out the truth until you’ve already fled the state (and/or possibly taken their dog hostage).