Like many other people in this country, I have been told to go back to where I came from. A guy on the internet did it just the other week. Of course, most people tell me to “go back to Russia” without knowing I am from Ukraine (i.e., without knowing what even is Ukraine) — but that’s just details.
I admire these people’s passion, I really do. And, naturally, I admire the president for fanning the flames of said passion extra hard the other day — when he told several congresswomen that they should also hightail it out of here because they’re not white and yet are in government for some weird reason.
Still, I can’t help but think that this “go back to where you came from” sentiment is not going far enough. What’s with all the half-measures?
Trump Should Go Back To The Black Lodge
Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re going to say, “No, he should go back to Germany” or, “No, he should go back to Queens.”
But in the immortal words of Deputy Hawk, “The legend says that every spirit must pass through [the Black Lodge] on the way to perfection… But it is said, if you confront the Black Lodge with imperfect courage, it will utterly annihilate your soul.”
Trump’s the bravest spirit in the world — I mean, do you even understand how much courage it takes to talk shit about women on Twitter? — so only good can come from this.
Stephen Miller Should Go Back To Jurassic Park
I just don’t think it’s a good idea for a velociraptor to stalk the halls of the White House, I’m sorry. For a reptile, Stephen has done some amazing work, but all good things must come to an end eventually.
White People Should Go Back To Africa
Spreading to other continents is nice and all, but I don’t recall anyone checking our papers when we left — or making racist memes about us in popular border patrol Facebook groups.
Rules are rules. You can’t just whip them out only when it’s convenient. “But why only white people, Natalia?” Well, how the hell else do you get us all to connect with our forgotten heritage???
“But there are already people living there!” Cool, but not so many in the Sahara, are there? And the Sahara, by the way, is pretty large. Definitely room for a Trader Joe’s or two.
Mammals Should Go Back Into The Sea
Honestly, the world’s current problems all started when some smartass fish decided to pull some misguided Little Mermaid shit. This is why we have pollution, global warming, and, coincidentally, overfishing. The stupid fish did it to themselves. And it needs to be undone before it’s too late.
The Moon Should Go Back To Wherever It Came From
Did anybody invite the Moon here? No. Can anybody figure out why it’s always popping up in random places? Hell no. On top of that, I’m pretty sure that ladies’ mysterious cycles and bitchy moods are secretly controlled by it.
In short — fuck the Moon. This solar system is crowded enough without its random bullshit.
The Earth Should Go Back To Space Dust
Yes, we can blame the fish and the moon, but when you really think about it — who asked the Earth to arise from a bunch of random space crap?
I don’t recall doing it, and neither can you. A lot could’ve been avoided if the space crap just knew its place in the universe, frankly.
The Big Bang Should Unbang Itself
Speaking of the universal, however — the last time I checked, it didn’t exactly provide evidence of permission for its existence. As far as I can tell, all of those particles have crossed whatever threshold of time and/or the biocentric imagination completely illegally.
Why don’t they go back and show us how it’s done? If they’re so fucking smart and all, creating an entire mutli-faceted reality for us to exist in, then they should know when to leave well enough alone.
Maybe this is a radical approach, but all I’m saying is that there should be limits on the completely rampant and unchecked behavior of the cosmos, otherwise it’s just going to keep expanding and who the fuck knows where it will end up. Based on what I know of history — nowhere particularly good.
Photo: Jay Phagan