In case you missed it, there’s a little thing called the longest government shutdown in history going on in the richest nation in the world right now — and it has to do with the sentient wig we refer to as “Mr. President” having a tantrum… I mean, a totally reasonable reaction to being unable to secure funding for a useless wall even as we have a budget deficit of cosmic proportions.
Now, I don’t know what a “government shutdown” actually means, because my internet still works and the grocery store is open — even if our food may technically be in some danger — so who cares, right? I mean, I’ll probably care if I get e. coli poisoning, but that hasn’t happened yet, so we’ll just cross that bridge when we get to it.
“Natalia, have some decency. There are government workers relying on food banks right now to survive!” Some liberal cuckflake is currently whining at me. Probably.
Well, guess what, liberal cuckflake? It’s the federal employees’ fault. The entire problem is that they work for a government that depends on a separation of powers.
Consider this — does Vladimir Putin ever shut down his own federal government? Hell no! Why would he?
Because, and this is very important so do pay attention now: The Russian federal government does exactly what Putin wants it to do.
Extend presidential terms? Sure, Vladimir! Illegally invade a neighbor? No prob, Volodya, our man! Change the Russian Constitution so it literally just says “SUCK MY DICK” over and over and over again? He hasn’t tried it yet, but he doesn’t need to. Pretty much everyone who works for his kleptocracy now does it — metaphorically or otherwise.
Putin has done a brilliant thing. He has convinced the population of the largest country in the world that their state budget money actually belongs to him and his friends. There’s none of this “but our taxes shouldn’t fund your dumb, expensive projects” bullshit. There are no uppity Federal Assembly members — Duma deputies and Federation Council senators — bitching to Putin about who he can’t do this or that. There’s no Russian version of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez scandalously dancing her way to a green new deal, or some other polar bear-hugging nonsense — because the Russian version would’ve been shot in the back by some creepy Chechen dudes outside the Kremlin long ago!
Sure, Putin did not achieve this greatness without some sacrifices. For example, Russia is in the throes of a dangerous HIV epidemic because no one gives a shit about anything but pleasing the ruling elites. The infrastructure is pretty terrible — because it’s not like elites use country roads outside Syktyvkar or whatever. The criminal justice system now has a higher percentage of convictions than it did under Stalin, according to some data. A few people are rich, the middle class is tiny and suffers from random repressions, and a whole lot of people are poor, with low life expectancy.
So yeah, things in Russia are a bit of a drag, but you know who looks at all that and thinks “AWESOME”? Why, Donald Trump, of course.
Imagine the possibilities in a country where a clutch of rich old guys are all who really matter. Imagine that instead of a “Russia investigation,” he could just have Mueller driven out to the woods and shot. IMAGINE THE OPPORTUNITIES FOR STUDDING THE ENTIRE GREAT LAND OF OURS WITH SKETCHY CASINOS IN WHOSE GRIM INTERIORS INDENTURED SERVICE WORKERS SERVE WELL-DONE STEAK ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.
Can you therefore blame Donald Trump for despising the civil servants who refuse to act as his personal Unsullied Army?
No, you can’t.
But hey, just don’t go around saying that there was any Russia collusion, OK? Because, uh, that’s totally not what I meant here. Not at all. Not even a tiny bit.
Photo: Gage Skidmore