Look, I’m not saying I’ve never poked an anti-choicer who wanted to strip our rights away, or snapped when a telephone scammer interrupts me to say there’s a warrant out for my arrest if I don’t pay a tax bill with Google Play vouchers, but toxicity is getting a bit out of control.
We all know this, and Twitter – X – whatever – is an obvious example. And while it’s perhaps clichéd to bring it up in these discussions, that’s no doubt because it’s the best example of the worst humanity has to offer.
Some of the worst abuse I got on there was when I backed charity Changing Faces’ campaign to stop making people with visible differences into Hollywood villains all the time. It was a thought-provoking campaign and one I believed in, but the inexplicable tirades in my mentions went on for days.
And heaven help anyone who writes anything even vaguely recognising a trans person’s right to exist and go about their lives.
For women especially, there’s a sense that you can’t win. You get hate if people think you’re too pretty, but you also get hate if people think you’re too ugly. You get hate if people think you’re too thin, but you also get hate if people think you’re too fat. Too rich, too poor. Too outgoing, too insular. Too successful, not successful enough.
And in some Schroedinger-esque way, one photo of one woman can be decried for every one of those characteristics at the same time. Beauty, size, success, wealth and personality are all in the eye of the beholder.
I’m not into jailing people for trolling. I’m not into jailing people for much, to be honest. I can’t see anybody who benefits from imprisoning someone for mean tweets, and there are plenty of people who are harmed by it.
But not only does incarcerating trolls feel like some kind of gratuitous revenge-seeking, it also won’t exactly teach that person to be nicer. It won’t teach them that the world is a place they can feel safe and friendly in. It won’t reinforce their faith in humankind.
On the day of Thatcher’s funeral, lefties across the UK were plotting. Many had been waiting for that day for decades. There was burning of effigies and there were parties, but they weren’t really my style. She was a terrible person who caused the devastation of communities in Wales and the north of England in particular, but I didn’t want to add to the net negativity in the world.
Instead, I thought, “Well, what would she have hated?”
I ruled out employing some miners and went, instead, for doing my tiny bit towards a cohesive, caring society. So, that day, I decided that I was going to be relentlessly nice to everybody I met.
No matter how grumpy or mardy or mean they were, I’d be nicer than I had ever been in my life.
@troy_hawke Still my favourite. EVERT! Take a bow #troyhawke #greetersguild #cyclist ♬ original sound – Troy Hawke
Now, I’m not always this equanimous. I am not a beacon of calm and adoration. But what I found was that the nicer I was to everybody around me, the nicer my day got as well.
Because when you’re nice to somebody, there’s a reasonable chance they’ll be nice back. And they’ll be a bit nicer to the next person they meet as a result, who will go on to be nicer to their bus driver, who will be more patient with the next passenger fumbling for the correct change, who will give a compliment to the woman on the till in the supermarket, who will feel the first boost in self-esteem she’s had all day.
This stuff radiates out.
I was so inspired by this day that, the following month, I did a random act of kindness every day. From leaving friendly notes in library books to putting money in the pocket of a coat in a charity shop to leaving sweets in strategic places to buying someone a cup of tea if they looked like they need it, I spent the whole of May 2013 doing nice little anonymous favours for whoever (the randomness is an important aspect of it – you don’t judge whether someone deserves a bit of kindness, you just do it) and I felt great.
Thank you for the random act of kindness @BCU_RAOK That has brightened up my worry-moment in my (now not so secret) worry-spot next to the window by the sofas 😊 pic.twitter.com/NO3c1Zuvhc
— Hannah Harvey (@1HannahHarvey) September 12, 2023
Give it a go. It doesn’t have to be expensive or exhausting. It can be tiny, tiny things (just for the love of God don’t film yourself doing it). A smile. A compliment (an appropriate one – don’t yell “nice tits” at a passing teenager). Your spare change (even if you think they’ll spend it on cigs). Letting someone in front of you in the queue. Offering someone your umbrella (even if you’ll get soaked). Replying to someone’s selfie and saying how great their hair looks.
Just sending a bit of niceness out into the world instead of toxicity can work wonders. It has a domino effect and you never know, it might cheer you up as well.
Image: Scott Webb