Of all the so-called discourse topics that constantly invade the lives of the extremely online — myself sadly included — none is more annoying that age gap discourse.
Age gap discourse is what happens when people have too much time on their hands and involves discussing and/or condemning relationships with an age gap. If you think it covers only ridiculous situations, like when one partner is 60 and the other one is 18, you’d be wrong! Nowadays, there are people who will tell you with a straight face that dating someone older than you by as little as five years is “dangerous” and “sketchy.”
Age gap discourse usually involves celebrities, but regular people can get embroiled in it too. Consider my friend and colleague, whom I’ll call Tim (yes, Tim gave me permission to talk about his situation).
Tim is 29 years old and has his shit together. He has a good career, a lovely house, a friendly dog that he has trained himself, and a concealed carry permit. In short, Tim is an adult. Tim’s girlfriend is also an adult, but is older than he is by about nine years.
Tim also has a cousin who, in Tim’s words, “watches too many TikToks.” This cousin lives far away, but is regularly in touch. And most of the time, Tim’s cousin is being annoying about Tim’s girlfriend. Tim’s cousin believes that the nine year age gap is unacceptable, and Tim is being “groomed.”
The word “groomer” is used so much that it’s become meaningless, kind of like the word “woke.” It would be funny, if it wasn’t so weird and sad.
There is, at the core of age gap discourse, a strange belief that if you’re not practically dating your twin, you are in a bad relationship dynamic. People who believe this also frequently believe that any distinct physical size difference between two partners is deeply problematic. Sometimes, they also make weird statements about “protecting” people with mental illness from unhealthy dating situations, to the point that it seems that anyone who is even slightly incapacitated should need some sort of government permit to date.
Being an adult can be really tiring. There are constant bills to pay. Plans to make. Responsibilities to shoulder. At the very least, being an adult should imply that you’re free to sleep with other consenting adults without someone making it their business. Wrong! Because outrage culture is so pervasive on the internet, people are constantly trying to find new horrors to be outraged about. Age gaps are easy to get outraged about because the stakes are low and you can throw clever phrases like “power imbalance” around.
What’s really annoying about this is that on the whole, people are getting lonelier. It’s actually in our collective best interest to stop stigmatizing normal relationships between adults! But I have a theory that some people are lonely and would rather stay that way, and are therefore invested in making others lonely too. Take Tim’s cousin. She hasn’t dated in years. And something tells me that she is projecting her own anxieties about love and sex onto Tim.
From the right angle, anything can be “problematic.” It’s hard to build. It’s easy to destroy. Tearing other people down is a popular pastime, and the internet incentivizes it further in the guise of likes and shares. So why not assume the worst about other people’s happy relationships and then blast them to your followers. It’s easier than sitting down and trying to figure out why the hell you’re obsessed with other people’s business to begin with.
When I was younger, I sometimes dated older men. Now that I’m older and freer than I used to be, I frequently date younger men. It’s simple mathematics — there are more single young guys out there, and also they are much more likely to want to go out and do something fun instead of sitting around and talking about how depressed they are. I’ve had people attempt to cancel me for this simple admission, and I never know what to make of it or how to respond. “Thank you for the crazy talk, but we’re all stocked up here” is as much as I can usually muster.
I really hope that internet culture moves on and the weird phenomenon of age gap discourse can be forgotten. Maybe we can all laugh about it in a few years, even as we cringe on the inside. Maybe — but I do sometimes wonder if fake outrage is too powerful.
Image: Jonathan Borba