I have a confession to make. I am grateful to all of the people taking to the internet to point out that if they see as much as one snowflake, climate change (or “global warming,” as they like to refer to it) is canceled.
“But Natalia,” you’re probably thinking. “Those people are completely ignorant of what climate change actually is — and its role in extreme weather conditions! You should be telling them to read a goddamn book instead of thanking them!”
I mean, I guess I could do that. But on the other hand, reading books is tedious and instant gratification is much more, well, instant.
The truth is, “I saw A and therefore B is not real/real” is a very convenient way to go through life.
For example,
I saw a man wearing high-heeled clogs — therefore it’s still the 15th century!
It’s true, I did recently see a big man wearing some very impressive-looking clogs. With some serious high heels on them. Outside a grocery store. In snowy weather. In a fairly tough neighborhood.
I’m still not quite sure what that was about — like, was he in a bad mood that day and did he want someone to challenge him to a fight just to have an excuse to repeatedly slam their face into the asphalt? Is he just really into fashion? — but what I *do* know is that high heels were originally invented for men, starting around the 15th century or so I’ve read.
Ergo, I think it’s safe to say that it’s not really 2019 outside. And you can go ahead and stop it with your, “I can’t believe that in the year of our Lord 2019 we’re still [insert something you don’t like here]” hot takes.
This is how it’s supposed to work, isn’t it?
Speaking of things I’ve seen,
I saw a picture of Kate Beckinsale with a high ponytail AND Pete Davidson — therefore she’s really Ariana Grande
Am I on the right track here? I mean, if science is untrustworthy, why not celebrities. It wouldn’t surprise me if Kate Beckinsale and Ariana Grande were fooling us all and were actually the same person after all — or if they had melded like Vulcans, or if they were different manifestations of an ancient god with many names. Odin wasn’t just called Odin, after all. He was also known as Grimnir. Perhaps the same principle applies here and the good people on the gossip beat have got it all wrong (wouldn’t be the first time).
Speaking of differences in perception, meanwhile,
I saw polar bears invade a Russian town — therefore climate change is real, but it’s not really a big deal
Say what you want about polar bears, but I think we can all agree that they are magnificent animals.
Have you even *seen* the town the bears have been invading as they desperately search for food now that they can’t hunt seals due to all of that melted ice? TERRIBLE paint jobs. No impressive architecture IN SIGHT.
Face it, the polar bears classed up that joint. Thanks, climate change!
And speaking, finally, of gratitude,
I saw “Melancholia” — therefore the end of the world is going to be lit
I don’t know about you, but I personally think that one should go out in style.
I can think of nothing more stylish than the combination of Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg. Not to mention the cinematography of Manuel Alberto Claro (hey Academy — what the HELL is up with your decision to start treating cinematographers like second-class citizens?)
Like a lot of people, I’m iffy on Lars von Trier as a whole. But I can understand his ability to make something beautiful out of something terrible — and I thank him for assuaging my fears as I contemplate the inevitable collapse of nature, followed by the destruction of the planet.
Always look on the bright side of death — as other great moments in cinema history have taught me.
Photo: Scott Blackwell