No, the world isn’t going to end in 2050. I don’t need a degree in climatology to tell you that — I already have a degree in memes.
But seriously, suggesting that the planet might be unlivable by 2050 is too optimistic.
Here are all of the very serious reasons why it’s likely to become unlivable way, way before.
Cancel Culture
You think I’m being deliberately provocative? Let’s face it. Most people have done at least one thing that should surely get them “canceled” (if they’re saints).
And the more social media permeates our lives, the more canceled we will all be.
And while cancel culture can’t physically detonate the world, what’s the point of living in such a world to begin with? Dostoevsky might have pointed out that we are all guilty, and must all live with that, but the last time I heard, he too was canceled.
Dudebros
Everywhere you look, there’s dudes broing and bros dudeing. Just consider the Thoros-of-Myr-looking-but-not-in-a-cool-way motherfucker snatching the microphone from Kamala Harris the other day.
Of course he’s aggressively vegan, and of course his name is Aidan.
By 2050, this column will be canceled for making fun of Aidan The Talking Man Bun, so let’s just get the end of the world out of the way right fucking now.
People Who Stan For Billionaires
Billionaires are bad enough — hoarding unsustainable amounts of wealth, consuming resources at record speed, exploiting the people who work in their companies, etc. — but the more we draw attention to the wealth hoarders, the more people show up to suck their toes in public.
Much worse than the idea that “anyone can be a billionaire” (LOL) is the idea of “billionaire benevolence,” as if people get scarily rich by being nice to other people.
Worse than that is the notion that there is something lionizing, brave, even noble, for making your employees, say, wear diapers to work to extract the maximum amount of energy from them until they drop dead for lack of adequate health insurance or else for screaming at your assistant until she breaks out in hives. None of that shit is cool, nobody should be praised for practicing it or enabling it.
We rightfully make fun of cultures worshipping Dear Leader, but every once in a while, we should also take a hard look at ourselves and our worshipful attitudes toward a bunch of assholes who are consolidating more and more wealth while other people get screamed at for working only three jobs instead of four in order to support themselves.
But we won’t, so fuck it.
Tornadoes
We were warned years ago that climate change would cause more extreme weather, but tornadoes are just rushing to prove this correct.
There’s a reason why I don’t live in a flat area, so getting tornado warnings on my phone is somehow especially insulting. Like, come on. You’re going to find me here, too? What kind of sly, diabolical bullshit is this?
Anyway, my point is, we’re really screwed if tornadoes are getting even bitchier than they already have been and/or possibly sentient.
My Butt
In spite of all of the hardships that my butt has faced, in the year 2019, it is still a nice one.
By 2050, I’m going to be forced to wear clothing that masks the very existence of my butt (whatever, I’m vain). I say we avoid that whole mess.
Aliens Ignoring Us
We make far too many movies about hostile aliens finding us. We also make a lot of movies about nice, cuddly aliens finding us.
I think if we ever run up against the cold, hard reality that the aliens are probably resolved to ignoring us, we will implode as a species/civilization.
Dealing with the fact that we may not being that interesting might just be too much.
The Illusory Nature of Time
I think the biocentric model of the universe makes a lot of sense, but according to this model, time is just shit we make up with our animal brains — a way for us to understand certain processes.
Strip that away, and the very designation of the year 2050 starts to seem meaningless. And then LIFE takes on an entirely new meaning. And so does LIVABILITY. The very definition of life suddenly turns out to be much more complicated than previously imagined.
And hey, you don’t even need to take a giant bong rip to admit that life is strange. You feel it anyway, man. Don’t doubt me.
So when I say that the planet won’t be livable, what I mean is … […] You know what, actually? Very few will get what I mean, so what’s the point of continuing this — or continuing civilization — anyway.
Facetious Meta-Listicles
You see what I did there. I am seen. I am done.
Photo: Nomad Tales