People are people — they like to make sense of things with lists. Even when it comes to the utterly senseless — they try to make sense of it with lists.
As far as senselessness goes, 2018 was a banner year. I think that’s a fairly non-partisan issue. But as you’re trying to navigate this year’s Best Of lists, you have probably already noticed an utter glut of them. I mean, it really is quite massive. Almost as massive as Godzilla (admit it, when some of you saw “Godzilla” trending, you just shrugged and went, “Well, whatever. I guess it was about time for massive violent destruction”).
This is why I have taken time out of my busy schedule of doing whatever it is I do (honestly, I expect my stalkers to do the heavy lifting here) to bring you the Best Of 2018’s Best Of Lists. You are, as always, welcome.
The Obnoxious “Here Are The Best Things I Published This Year” List
These are designed for hate-reading your overachieving writer frenemies.
Now, I’m not saying that we hate-read friends who do better in a given year. Frankly, I like celebrating my friends’ successes — particularly if I’m invited to any related launch parties and free alcohol is involved.
But there is also the fact that almost every writer cultivates many, many frenemies along the way — and by frenemies I mean people whose throats you would literally rip out a la a bad werewolf movie, if there wasn’t a bunch of laws and an editor you have in common that one has to consider.
I’m here to tell you, it’s OK to read their “best things I published” lists. It may give you unexpected inspiration. If only in that whole OH MY GOD MY FAVORITE PUBLICATION PUBLISHED WHAT??? BY WHOM??? WHY, GOD, WHY way.
The Delightful “Here Are The Most Useless Purchases I Made This Year” List
Wait, do people not do these? I feel like they should. We all fall prey to insidious advertising sometimes — so why not just be open about it?
Oh, we don’t like to admit mistakes in our triumphalist culture? Well, great. Whatever. I’LL STILL BE OVER HERE COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW TARGETED ADVERTISING FORCED ME TO BUY A NOVELTY STRANGER THINGS KEYCHAIN THAT BARELY LASTED A MONTH.
The Creative “Here Are The Best Places I Visited This Year” List
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Natalia, this list is for my rich white friends who went to half of the eco-resorts below the equator this year.”
But that’s where you’re wrong. No one says that the best places you visited has to be exotic. I am, personally, fond of listing more unusual venues, such as That One Pub You Take A Chance On Until You Realize The Bartender Will Always Hit On Your Boyfriend In Front Of You While Repeatedly Messing Up Your Order *cough*, not to mention unexpected outings, such as That One Time You Got Trapped By An Over-Eager Novelty Perfume Saleslady At A Random Mall.
Honestly, there’s no reason why a list like this can’t be fun in a deliciously embarrassing way reminiscent of Parks and Recreation. Goddammit, why won’t they just bring that show back already. Haven’t we all suffered enough.
The Rage-Inducing “The President’s Best Worst Disasters Of the Year” List
Look, there have been many disasters. I am personally partial to the Locking Up Children In Cages disaster, though some may go for the Brett Kavanaugh disaster themselves, while yet others will scream and point toward climate change and everything the president is doing to enable it.
People get awfully morally superior when it comes to these particular rankings, everyone is always elbowing each other out of the way as they try to establish just what is the greatest bit of damage Trump has done so far.
But as we all know, 2019 will bring the biggest shitshow yet, as the talking wig’s discomfort at the idea of possibly being a one-term president looms ever larger.
So honestly, consider this a freebie round.
The Awesome “Best Celebrity Feuds Of the Year” List
There isn’t a debate, though. Nicki Minaj and Cardi B. Hello.
The Truly Awesome “Best of Nextdoor List” List
Now, here I have a confession to make. I got an actual letter in the mail the other day, urging me to access my neighborhood’s Nextdoor page. It came with a password and everything. It promised updates about CRIME.
Did I follow the letter’s advice? Lolwat. How dumb do you think I am? I’m already on Twitter. I have enough hatred in my life. I don’t need to get notifications every time that Karen (not her real name) confuses a Black mailman for a prowling criminal.
But on the other hand, reading about the ridiculous shade other people’s neighbors throw can be comforting.
Hey, at least you don’t live next door to the lady who’s busy mistaking bongs for weapons/trying to figure out who all of the adulterers are (everyone’s an adulterer, Susan, according to your boy Jesus — look it up, it’s in the Bible).
And even if you do — if 2018 has taught us anything, it’s that Worse Things Are Always On the Horizon.
Photo: Colin Knowles