With the departure of Kirstjen Nielsen — who, rumor has it, has been lured away with a lucrative package from Jadis, the White Witch, and feels that the eternal snows of occupied Narnia go better with her complexion — the Department of Homeland Security is sorely in need of a new secretary.
Now, I’m not going to be one of those annoying “experts” who sits around offering “predictions.” The people have had enough of that in Brexit-era Britain, for example, and just look at how well that’s going.
No, I just want to give you a list of candidates who, in my view, truly uphold some of the values of the current DHS. You guys can stack them up against whoever the sentient wig in the White House actually taps for this great honor.
Sheriff Clarke
Pros: Has flair. Would easily shrug off any allegations of detainee “abuse,” or whatever the goddamn liberals call it when you show the worthless people in your custody who’s actually boss.
Cons: Is vocal on Twitter, which may make Donald Trump feel like he’s stealing his thunder.
Ann Coulter
Pros: Is the physical embodiment of Fox News. Athena may have sprouted out of Zeus’ head, but I have it on good authority that Ann sprouted when a bunch of data streams crossed, Ghostbusters-style.
Cons: Is, like Nielsen, a blond woman, and diversity is important. Maybe. Just kidding, the real problem with this pick is that she’d talk back to Trump, maybe tell him that children in cages is not bold enough and we should just go ahead and have children on crosses, and who needs that. No nags, right? Trump can figure out the crosses thing for himself, frankly.
Kid Rock
Pros: Is down with the kids and their hippity hop, or whatever it is they listen to these days.
Cons: He *will* eventually try to marry Melania on a yacht. You know it. I know it. It’s only a matter of time. Musicians can’t live without drama. Eventually, everyone will wind up on some Bravo special, talking about their feelings and their latest plastic surgeries, and the important work of separating families will be left neglected.
Pennywise the Dancing Clown
Pros: Eats children.
Cons: To be honest, there’s not that many, except for the really big, obvious one: the looks issue. Successful candidates should normally be ugly only on the inside. I mean, honestly. He is no Ivanka.
The Demon Beelzebub, God of Filth, Lord of the Flies
Pros: Is a literal fucking demon.
Cons: Is very high in the hierarchy of hell, which would have him stretched a bit thin, to be honest.
Stephen Miller
Pros: Is a velociraptor clever enough to pretend to be human.
Cons: Once again, not very many. But one of these days, this velociraptor thing will be blown wide open, and create a lot of paperwork. Life finds a way, etc.
The Anxiety That Comes With Knowing That We Are The Bad Guys, And History *Should* Judge Us Harshly, Assuming Any Good Guys Will Be Left To Write It
Pros: That’s the scariest part, isn’t it.
Cons: None whatsoever. Do it.
Photo: The White House