I have it on good authority that President Donald J. Trump is not taking the impeachment inquiry news very well. Who, honestly, can blame him?
The odds in this country are stacked against rich orange men. Rich white men too, come to think of it. You can’t pay hush money to a porn star or extort a foreign leader without some communists immediately screaming that they’re TRIGGERED.
But even while Trump decries these traitors for following the proper legal channels to investigate an obvious abuse of power — the question is, who are the people he is overlooking?
There is a lot of treason happening in this country, much more that can be contained in a single rage-and-dementia-inspired tweet!
Just look at this list of famous criminals who haven’t been tried for treason yet:
The People Who Canceled The McDLT
The president is a prolific eater (unlike the women in his life, he does not diet — how else to assert his manliness?), and yet somehow he has never had the tragic fate of the McDLT properly investigated.
Seems like an oversight, truth be told.
Lindsey Graham
I know what you’re saying, “But Natalia! Lindsey and the talking wig are friends now! Especially now that Lindsey doesn’t have to look John McCain in the eye after praising said talking wig!”
Yeah, but, like, check out his old tweets:
I’m sad that @LindseyGrahamSC deleted this.
Why don’t we RT and remind him? pic.twitter.com/vKZ9WTtxtk
— Rachel R. Gonzalez (@RachelRGonzalez) September 27, 2019
“But Natalia! He changed his mind!”
Yeah, exactly like a traitor would. Look, there is a reason why Russians never trusted people who defected. Think about it.
Tiffany Trump
There can only be one golden child, and her name is Ivanka. Yet have you noticed what a bright shade of golden Tiffany’s hair is? The language of symbolism is alive and well, that’s all I’m saying.
For every Cersei Lannister, there’s got to be a Tyrion. And just look what he ended up doing.
The Bald Eagle
Remember this?
You better.
Who was paying the eagle? AOC? Hillary’s sex hitmen? The public never got to find out, and it’s almost as if everything that has gone horribly wrong since then can be traced to that one iconic moment that nobody was punished for.
Poor People
Poor Americans are up to no good. They’re not making sizeable campaign contributions, for one thing, and they tend to be not particularly well-dressed/are always missing teeth due to how excellent the healthcare system is in this country.
Yeah, sure, plenty of them, especially the white ones, can be seen wearing MAGA hats — but what kind of a vibe are they giving off if they’re pairing them with bad dye jobs and diabetes? Are they promoting the president’s brand or engaging in absurdist provocation? Investigate them.
Landowners
Everybody loves an enormous, overpriced border wall — unless it’s sitting on your land, right? Then suddenly everyone remembers things like laws and other staples of modern civilization:
And don’t miss this authoritarian gem:
“Mr. Miller told him they had become part of the problem by constantly citing legal hurdles.”
Or this one:
“[Nielsen] said they needed permission from property owners. Take the land, Mr. Trump would say, and let them sue us.” https://t.co/zYvezdzkUt
— Bobby Chesney (@BobbyChesney) October 1, 2019
The landowners, too, are traitors, going against the president’s dreams by defending private property. Off to the gulag with those people.
The Moon and the Kraken
Miami is flooding
20 years ago, this sunny day, high tide flooding wasn’t a thing in Miami. Today, it happens a handful of times a year. By 2050 — well within my lifetime — @noaaocean predicts fair weather flooding as often as 50-60+ days/year (once/week). This is our future. #ClimateChange https://t.co/hlne2rVIOk
— Michael Lowry (@MichaelRLowry) September 29, 2019
The weather is getting more extreme.
The polar bears are running out of food.
People are getting displaced.
Now, we could blame China for perpetuating this ugly climate change hoax. But what about the real ruler of the seas? What about the Kraken?
Honestly, the buck stops with him. And he just hasn’t been doing his job. Possibly because he’s in bed with the moon.
Oh, you didn’t know? The moon is fucking pulling away from us. Has been for years. It’s just not that into us. It’s citing irreconcilable differences.
I don’t know what kind of a plot is being hatched here, but I do know it is clearly treasonous.
Mitch McConnell
Yeah, I know, I know, this is the man who’s constantly pretending to be on Trump’s side. But have you noticed how he’s actually a turtle? They’ve warned us about intelligent space lizards for years, but it was all a false flag that provided the semi-conscious space turtles with cover. Nothing good can come from this, just trust me.
Time
The problem with time, or rather the biological human experience of time, is that it inevitably runs out.
Cognitive degeneration and fast food do catch up with you.
Nothing gold can stay.
Not even a golden door, let alone a golden wig.
So, I don’t know what kind of bullshit game time is playing at, but I do know that this presidency won’t stand for it.
Image credit: Matt A.J.
Dead on.
I got back from Korean and asked for a McDLT and they looked at me like I was crazy.
As of yet, there still has been no investigation.