Look, I’m just saying.
I’ve seen “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead” enough times. That movie’s shoulder-pad game was a bit too strong, but still.
Hear me out, OK?
Harry Potter didn’t have parents and he turned out perfectly fine.
I mean, he also did grow up to wreck Voldemort’s shit, and Voldemort was the whole reason why Harry didn’t have parents in the first place, so maybe Trump and Stephen Miller and Sessions and Nielsen and every ICE agent in existence should, like, I dunno, consider that, but then again…
Look, stop crying. Feelings are gay and gay people are the reason why we have natural disasters, so. I mean, I don’t have scientific proof of that per se, but not all of those textbooks at weird Christian colleges where students can’t date each other or wear mascara can be wrong, right? That just wouldn’t mathematical sense. Though I’m not 100% certain that Satan didn’t invent mathematics either. I mean, I don’t think Jesus meant for us to learn about imaginary numbers, for example. There’s just something too abstract about them, and abstractions lead to abstract art and abstract art leads to more gayness.
Where was I?
Oh yes. Womp womp! People seriously need to toughen up about this family separation business, and I’ll tell you why. Have you noticed how none of the kids in the cage-like things that aren’t actually cages because reasons are white? Yeah, that’s not a coincidence. Look, I’m not racist, I’m just saying, white kids just tend do better than kids who aren’t white — I mean, for one thing, they had the sense to be born white in the first place. And we want people with sense in this country, dammit.
Oh, so now I’m Hitler? Please. Do I look like a failed artist with a vaguely pubic-like mustache? Does Trump? I don’t think Trump can even grow a real mustache. Check and mate!
Oh, so there are BABIES and TODDLERS being taken away from their parents, is that what you’re saying? Well, have you ever been around a baby? Or a toddler? Some of those parents probably need a break to begin with. Ahahaha. Why aren’t you laughing? Jesus, can you be any more of a typical whiny leftist stereotype? First you banned rape jokes, and now it’s like I can’t make light of the fact that vulnerable families are being torn apart causing psychological damage that may or may not last them for the rest of their lives or something. Ugh. Political correctness is out of control in this country.
Honestly. The real issue is that we’ve needed to get tougher on kids for a very long time now. Honestly, nobody will shut up about children and how they’re helpless and adorable and to be honest, baby marmosets are more adorable. Just don’t tell anyone I told you that, because cute things in nature have also become a whiny liberal cause, connected to the preposterous idea that we shouldn’t be killing nature while nature has always been trying to kill us (I mean, why else would ticks and 100-degree heat exist?).
Stop the tears, for God’s sake. We’re at war over here. I don’t know exactly with whom, but I do know that war is a serious business. I’ve seen Saving Private Ryan.
The world is a complicated place, OK? It’s a scary place, even, and there’s no reason why some children shouldn’t learn that lesson early. Unless they’re white. Don’t ask me why, I’ve already explained it to you. Like I told you, I’m not racist. I’ll even eat at upscale Mexican restaurants.
Still not convinced I’m right? Take a look at Vladimir Putin. Putin has no problem taking children hostage — it’s what he did to punish American families trying to adopt vulnerable Russian orphans by banning those adoptions.
He’s a tough guy, OK? He rides bears and stuff.
He’s so tough, that he took things one step further by taking actual Russian children hostage. Are we going to just sit around and take that? We’re Americans, for God’s sake.
You know what we must do next.
Photo: Daily Chalkupy/Creative Commons