World Cup: The Trial of the Vuvuzelas

We rejoin Popular Opinion CourtTV’s coverage of the Vuvuzela Trial, already in progress:

“… Welcome back to Popular Opinion Court TV’s coverage of the Vuvuzela Trial. I’m , the prosecution has just wrapped up its’ case for the banning, stuffing in a closet and locking up forever of the controversial Vuvuzela horns. Let’s go over some excerpts from today’s testimony.”

RICK REILLY, ESPN.COM: It was the dreaded vuvuzelas, the yard-long plastic horns (voo-voo-zella) that South African fans blow all the time, without rhyme nor reason, when something is happening and when it’s not (it’s usually not), during timeouts and time ins, during halftime and at the breakfast table and while they’re on the bus and while doing their taxes, until you just want to stab two fondue forks deep into your ears and stir.

JOHN LEICESTER, ASSOCIATED PRESS: “Fifteen minutes into the opening game and I already took two aspirin,” lamented Boaz Gabbai, from West Hills, California.

“Those vuvuzelas are making me nuts!!!” wrote Myriam Seyfarth from Venezuela.

“And in a surprising last-minute move, the prosecution even called in figures from other sports to testify in what had been, up to now, an issue contained to the soccer pitch. Let’s take a look at some of that testimony now.”

JOE MADDON, MANAGER, TAMPA BAY RAYS: They’re annoying. I mean, there’s cool things and there’s very non-cool things. That’s a non-cool thing. … It just doesn’t make any sense.

“Non-cool, indeed. We’re joined now by noted legal analyst Snidely T. Whiplash for his analysis of what must surely be a steep challenge for the vuvuzela defense team going into its’ final statement.”

SNIDELY T. WHIPLASH, ESQ., LEGAL ANALYST: Indeed it is, Marla. I mean, seriously, even Hitler hates vuvuzelas these days. About the only people outside of South Africa who seem jazzed about the horns are Photoshop enthusiasts, and those people are almost as bad as bloggers. Would anybody really want to be associated with that lot?

“We’re getting word that the defense team is about to begin making its final statement to the jury – and to ear-ached football fans (or soccer fans, if you prefer) around the world. Let’s go back to the courthouse, where Amadeus Joao, the self-proclaimed ‘Footballing Barrister,’ is making his last stand for his clients.”

AMADEUS JOAO, DEFENSE ATTORNEY: “Ladies and gentlemen, let us be clear – the arguments my esteemed colleague brings up against the vuvuzelas are not to be confused with any legitimate concerns. And I am perfectly willing to concede that there are some.

“At least one study has measured the noise generated by just one vuvuzela at more than 100 decibels – enough to cause permanent damage if listened to over sustained periods. But as with anything else, moderation is key. And as we all know, moderation – chemical or otherwise – is a word seldom associated with the enjoyment of a sporting event, regardless of sport or continent.

“No, most of the complaints the prosecution has laid out are simply the grumblings of people who already hate this most beautiful game based on principle – that principle being, it’s a sport in which the U.S isn’t, you know, exceptional at it. And in today’s echo-chamber-like mediaverse, the droning on about the horns has gotten louder than the horns themselves – and that’s 140-plus decibels, ladies and gentlemen.

[chuckles from the gallery]

“But for the sake of argument, let us consider two other factors:

“First, the vuvuzela, while commonly associated with South Africa, actually originated in Mexico over three decades ago. In fact, watch any Primera División match on the telly, and you’ll hear that familiar buzz — especially if the match is at Estadio Azteca. And there’s nary a peep to be heard about it. Why? Because the fans in attendance are there for the game, and have learned to adjust. Besides, the prosecution seems to have conveniently forgotten that vuvuzela demand has created a demand for earplugs. Would my opponent squash the hopes of micro-business owners?

“But I digress. What I mean to say is, it is possible to learn to enjoy a match in spite of the horns’ noise. Which brings me to my second point.

“I’ll be blunt: it’s not like football – or any game outside of tennis or golf, at matter – is contested in a library. Mr. Maddon’s own Rays organization gives away – gives away, ladies and gentlmen! — cowbells for fans to ring during contests. And baseball players are expected to hit miniscule balls traveling at more than 90 miles an hour with thousands of people yelling. And have you heard a cowbell? Sure, the joke was funny because Christopher Walken said it, but does anybody you know actually need a cowbell to enjoy a game? I thought not.

“And Mr. Reilly, let’s not forget, has made a healthy portion of his living covering American football. So noisy horns are to be abolished, but Oakland Raiders fans are okay?

“Speaking of fans, let’s get back to the pitch, where all of this started. If the vuvuzelas are where the line is to be drawn, where, exactly, do the antics of British fans fall? Like songs such as the ever-popular “Feed The Scousers,” directed at Liverpool F.C. Fans? How about this lovely ditty from Chelsea supporters? (Note for readers: With all due respect, when British fans are involved, do I really have to tell you those links are NSFW?)

“Are horns like hooligans? No, but in the grand scheme of things, there’s much bigger fish for FIFA to fry. It wasn’t the vuvuzelas who gave Kaka that bogus red card. It wasn’t noise that led to the U.S to be robbed of an incredible victory. And the Italians flop like Jonah Hex at the drop of a hat – not the toot of a horn.

“So please, America, on behalf of South Africa. Of Mexico. Of fans of noisy, silly, non-sensical fan traditions like the Rally Monkey and the Terrible Towels and continuing to buy L.A. Clippers season tickets. Let this go. It’ll all be over in less than a month now, and this division between us will be healed. Then we can all go back to hating the Yankees.”