As reported on breitbart.com, Sony’s Ghostbusters opened this weekend to a slew of empty seats in empty theaters, taking in an impressive $46 million dollars from the men of various Gamergate-affiliated internet forums, who all bought tickets for the sole purpose of taking pictures of otherwise empty auditoriums to post on Twitter in order to prove that the movie really was a bomb, no matter what the feminist conspiracy is making the biased left-wing media say about it.
The journalistic zeal of these amateur photographers was enough to bump the reboot into second place for the weekend, finishing just behind the family entertainment powerhouse The Secret Life of Pets (first, at $50 million). The multitudes of men sitting alone in empty theaters gave seasoned director Paul Feig and hit comic actor Melissa McCarthy their biggest openings yet, as well as making Ghostbusters the most successful debut for a live-action comedy all year.
While many industry trackers have noted that the $46 million debut falls into the middle of the road for the film’s initial projections, Joshn Greenstein, Sony’s chief of marketing distribution, says the studio couldn’t be more thrilled with the result, saying:
There absolutely will be more [films that will be seen by no one except for men from Reddit who are there to document that no one came to see them].
While the second-place finish is an impressive victory for the angry men of the internet, it seems they will have their work cut out for them. Despite exhaustive documentary proof that no one else went to see Ghostbusters on opening weekend, social media is abuzz with positive word-of-mouth for the film.
Viewers (who couldn’t possibly have even seen the movie because the guys who took all those pictures would have seen them if they were there) have praised the movie for its comic acting, action sequences, the positive relationships among the female characters, the confident sexuality of Kate McKinnon’s breakout character Holtzmann, and even the unexpected comedic depths of Australian heartthrob Chris Hemsworth.
“I was worried that [Leslie Jones’s character] Patty was going to be a token sidekick character, after I saw the trailer,” said one woman who claimed to have seen the film, despite not appearing in a single one of the photographs taken of the venues in which the movie played. “But she was great! I mean, I hope she gets to shine even more next time, but she was nobody’s sidekick. THE POWER OF PATTY COMPELS YOU! I’m telling my friends. I’m telling everybody. Go see this movie!”
“I think my new sexual orientation is Kate McKinnon,” said another alleged moviegoer. “It’s so amazing to see a queer woman being herself. I just hope it’s more acknowledged in the sequel. I’m going to go see it again!”
Reached for comment about these baffling claims, a member of the Reddit sub-forum KotakuInAction who identified himself as anti-sjw8814, explained that this is once again a classic pattern that proves everything he’s believed about the movie, the media, and society as a whole to be even more true than he ever dreamed it could be.
“Well, we all already know Sony paid off reviewers,” he said. “And the ones they didn’t pay off were afraid of pissing off the feminists, or they defended the movie so much before it came out that now they are afraid if they say anything bad about it they’ll look foolish. Would a company that stooped to paying little girls to dress up like ghostbusters and act excited that they were at a movie premiere shy away from paying off a few people to talk the movie up on Twitter and Facebook, or talk about it in movie theater lobbies and restaurants, or tell their friends how ‘good’ it supposedly was?”
When asked about the logistics of Sony funneling money to so many different people spread so widely across the country, anti-sjw8814 thought about it, briefly, then rolled his eyes and scoffed.
“Of course so many of these SJWs and Tumblrinas are so brainwashed, they’ll do it for free,” he said. “I can’t imagine what it must be like, inside their little brains. These people’s lives are so controlled by their biases that they were excited for this movie before it even came out. Can you imagine being trapped so deeply in an alternate reality of your own construction that you couldn’t even admit the truth if it was right there in front of you?”
This article originally appeared on Medium, and has been reprinted with permission.
Beautiful.
Now *that’s* funny.